Cold out here!

It is -6 here. I am outside the East Lake Clinic waiting for Cassidy to get done with his appointment. Christa has a special function called "Residual heat" which uses engine block heat after the car is off but with these low temps it won't work for long.

It is strange. I know I am blessed but right now I am out of touch with it. Perhaps it is my drama queen coming out. Go figure.


-- Post From My iPhone

The Last Day of the Year

Kind of lonely today. Aaron has taken the bus back home. Friends are still out there using. My family is kind of quirky these days. Friends are out of town or inaccessible. A young gay man died in the community that had struggled with sobriety. Things are in flux for me right now. I am definitely in touch with life being out of control.

I am grateful for my sobriety, my program, my God, my roomie, brother Bill, Jim Franzen, Ellen Lewis, my home, Christa the Phaeton, my extended family, Aaron, Joe, lots of program folks, that this year is over. kind of weak but very real.

Creeping up on the New Year

Well, well, well. I am finally killing this cold by just staying in bed. Prayers are being answered today with real and exciting answers. I am procrastinating on some things but will get them done today. Life is really great when you listen to God and not your own answers.

I wonder how Steven is doing in Mexico?

Gratitude list for today

Sobriety
the Program
Jim
Steven
Aaron
Cassidy
Kwanzaa
Pastors Alika and Ralph Galloway
Larry Krause
Damien
Timmy
Laura and Fred White
The Lattin Family, and all the 14 children, owners ofWit's End County Store and Bakery, Beaver Bay, MN
Steve H
Duane
Victor
Dustin
Ko and Lo
Michael and Debbie
Technology
Ben Speiser
Jason
Tom Scholla
the condo
John Boyer
The Gang of Knitters around the Yarn Garage
The Volkswagen Phaeton - Christa
Brandon Randolph
Larry Eckhart
Bob Moore
Margo
Jo
Polly
Dennis Johnston
the Fiddle
Dan Chouinard
Sima Shumilovsky
Rob
Tony Maas
Eric
Virginia
The Meintsmas
Bill
Noel
Eric and Lucinda
Nathan and Jessica
Nick
Earl Lindner
Kevin Jackson
Christopher Raymond
Chris J
Gary
Leo
Scott
Dick
Hank
Tom S
music
Justin
Eric
Clem
Christian
Blaine
Sasha
James
Casey
Marc J
Tim K
Geo
Joe L
Ross M
Joseph S.
Joseph Perry
Christof
Michelle
Max
Dontray

I think I can stay sober today.

Death, Life, Delusion

Just got word a gay man known in the community in Minneapolis died of an overdose of Crystal Meth.  I have seen so many chemical dependency deaths in the 33 years of sobriety.  Some of the people I know are mourning by getting high tonight.  That is so bizarre.  I just am sad because this was someones little boy, someones grandson, someones coworker, someones friend, someones lover.  How alone he must have been in the last few hours of his life.  How scared he must have been.  How desperate he was.  How at a very lonely empty place of human existence.  And some of his friends choose to use.  How very very sad.

He is free of drugs now.

Oh HOLY NIGHT

This is one of the strangest Christmas seasons I have ever had. First off, being very self centered, this cold just lingers and lingers and that affects how I am feeling. I am such a wimp when it comes to illness. It is just like my dad was. I got most in the spirit of the season when I saw Miss Richfield 1981 with Don and Steven. (That is a very irreverant show.) I have been staying at home because of the cold and also to support a guy who is coming back from a long drug run. Doing the Friday nights at Camp has helped a bit, though it is kind of vacant since I am partnerless in this season and the place is loaded with partners celebrating the season. Helping Polly and Bill Posten with their Christmas mailing was fun and kind of refreshed the spirit.
It is a time for a lot of prayer and patience for me. Today I am going to go to my brother's for Christmas with my roommate, Cassidy. I think this will be just fine.

Way to early for a meltdown

Well, turns out that two people I considered very close have been out using.  Sounds like I have been lied to for a while.  I am very very sad.  Thank God for good support.  I have been on the phone at this awfully early hour with my sponsor and my best friend and they have calmed me down and settled me out.  

Addiction is awful.  These are two very good and blessed people and they both have so very much to lose with use.  Both of them have terrible consequences for use.  Their own decisions are their own decisions.   Their stuff is their stuff.

I have to come to some decisions about how I respond to their use.  I think I have to break off what I considered friendship because I do not know if what I perceived as friendship was really there.  I feel taken and a fool.  I am always positive about people and things but this one really hurts.  Both of them had insisted they were sober.  I considered that the truth and have been supportive and caring and given a lot to them both.  I need to look at where their behaviors have hurt me and see to it that I take the steps necessary to stopping the hurt.  

Saying that I am so very very sad.  Another part of me says that I am too old for this stuff.  I have had a lot of fun with John Moore and Polly Posten the last two days, I have enjoyed playing fiddle at Camp with Jeff Olson, I am proud that we raised 610 pairs of socks for the Aliveness Project.  I have been just continuing to do the next right thing in spite of the stress this situation has brought.  

I do not think that the future is very bright for my friends.  I am going to pray that they make it somehow.  Looking at the current situation, it appears bleak.

I have a cold, and the money is bad and I am blessed

I have a cold,  my money is run out, I am sad about folks using, and I am blessed.  So there.

I am confident that HP will have a way through this one.  Just you wait and see.

Screw em all

I am very sad and alone right now.  I was informed I am messed up so "he" cannot be with me.  He cannot stand to see me so messed up.  He did admit to being a bitch and dumping on me all the time however I don't think he gets it.  I am single again and he said we never were partners.  That is a slap in the face.  

Damn.

Music at heart. I heart music.

Saturday the Mounds View High Alumni Choir sang for Augustana Senior Apartments and then Sunday we had our Holiday Concert at Abiding Savior Lutheran in Blaine. Without music I am sure I would not make it. It takes me to a different level of being and is an alternative high for me. Thanks to God for music.

Why can't I be a sweet roll?

I think the life of a sweetroll would be great.  You just are born, desired and then consumed.  All this drama between life and death is a bit of a drag.  In the last few days I have been challenged with lots of drama and steam from both friends and reality.  You know it is the kind of thing you would like to just have "go away".  I am having multiple problems with the car that I love. One thing seems to  blend into the next.

I know that God doesn't give you anything more than you can handle so this is all within my parameters.  

At the same time I am having a blast playing fiddle, celebrating sobriety, and talking with a great network of supportive people.  The one drives me to the other.  

I have to make some decisions about people in my life.  Pray for me.