Monday, May 31, 2010

I am prepared for the end now


Today I made the arrangements for my burial plot at Lakewood. It is in the midst of my fundamentalist relatives. I bring diversity to the site. I will not be troubling anyone to take care of me. I will leave word to just contact Lakewood and they can handle the rest.

When I was younger I wrote a play about being conscious at my own funeral. It was pretty morose because only one person showed up. It would be fascinating to view your own funeral. Over the years I have accumulated people who will be happy at my demise and people who will be sad. I am designing a service that will satisfy both ends of the spectrum. I want really good "Kwanzaa Style" celebration. Both the despisers and the lovers will be able to celebrate my departure from this consciousness. I want some superb Jazz, including "Amazing Grace" ala Betty Buckley, click here. I want Bob Moores' song, "I can't follow". I want someone to read the Barrington Bunny story.

BARRINGTON BUNNY
by Martin Bell (”The Way Of The Wolf” | 1970 | Seabury Press)

Once upon a time, in a large forest, there lived a very furry bunny. He had one lop ear, a tiny black nose, and unusually shiny eyes. His name was Barrington. Barrington was not really a very handsome bunny. He was brown and speckled, and his ears didn’t stand up right. But he could hop, and he was, as I have said, very furry.

In a way, winter is fun for bunnies. After all, it gives them an opportunity to hop in the snow and then turn around to see where they have hopped. So, in a way, winter was fun for Barrington.

But in another way, winter made Barrington sad. For, you see, winter marked the time when all of the animal families got together in their cozy homes to celebrate Christmas. He could hop, and he was very furry. But as far as Barrington knew, he was the only bunny in the forest. When Christmas Eve finally came, Barrington did not feel like going home all by himself. So he decided he would hop for a while in the clearing in the center of the forest.

Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. Barrington made tracks in the fresh snow. Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. Then he cocked his head and looked back at the wonderful designs he had made.

“Bunnies,” he thought to himself, “can hop. And they are very warm, too, because of how furry they are.” (But Barrington didn’t really know whether or not this was true of all bunnies, since he had never met another bunny.)

When it got too dark to see the tracks he was making, Barrington made up his mind to go home. On his way, however, he passed a large oak tree. High in the branches, there was a great deal of excited chattering going on. Barrington looked up. It was a squirrel family! What a marvelous time they seemed to be having.

“Hello, up there,” called Barrington.

“Hello, down there,” came the reply.

“Having a Christmas party?” asked Barrington.

“Oh, yes!” answered the squirrels. “It’s Christmas Eve. Everybody is having a Christmas party!”

“May I come to your party?” said Barrington softly.

“Are you a squirrel?”

“No.”

“What are you, then?”

“A bunny.”

“A bunny?”

“Yes.”

“Well, how can you come to the party if you’re a bunny? Bunnies can’t climb trees.”

“That’s true,” said Barrington thoughtfully. “But I can hop, and I’m very furry and warm.”

“We’re sorry,” called the squirrels. “We don’t know anything about hopping and being furry, but we do know that in order to come to our house, you have to be able to climb trees.”

“Oh, well,” said Barrington. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” chattered the squirrels.

And the unfortunate bunny hopped off toward his tiny house. It was beginning to snow when Barrington reached the river. Near the river-bank was a wonderfully constructed house of sticks and mud. Inside there was singing.

“It’s the beavers,” thought Barrington. “Maybe they will let me come to their party.” And so he knocked on the door.

“Who’s out there?” called a voice.

“Barrington Bunny,” he replied. There was a long pause and then a shiny beaver head broke the water.

“Hello, Barrington,” said the beaver.

“May I come to your Christmas Party?” asked Barrington.

The beaver thought for a while, and then he said, “I suppose so. Do you know how to swim?”

“No,” said Barrington, “but I can hop, and I am very furry and warm.”

“Sorry,” said the beaver. “I don’t know anything about hopping and being furry, but I do know that in order to come to our house, you have to be able to swim.”

“Oh, well,” Barrington muttered, his eyes filling with tears. “I suppose that’s true … Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” called the beaver. And he disappeared beneath the surface of the water.

Even being as furry as he was, Barrington was beginning to get cold. And the snow was falling so hard that his tiny, bunny eyes could scarcely see what was ahead of him. He was almost home, however, when he heard the excited squeaking of field mice beneath the ground. “It’s a party,” thought Barrington. And suddenly he blurted out through his tears, “Hello, field mice. This is Barrington Bunny. May I come to your party?”

But the wind was howling so loudly and Barrington was sobbing so much that no one heard him. And when there was no response at all, Barrington just sat down in the snow and began to cry with all his might.

“Bunnies,” he thought, “aren’t any good to anyone. What good is it to be furry and to be able to hop if you don’t have any family on Christmas Eve?” Barrington cried and cried. When he stopped crying, he began to bite on his bunny’s foot, but he did not move from where he was sitting in the snow.

Suddenly, Barrington was aware that he was not alone. He looked up and strained his shiny eyes to see who was there. To his surprise, he saw a great silver wolf. The wolf was large and strong, and his eyes flashed fire. He was the most beautiful animal Barrington had ever seen.

For a long time, the silver wolf didn’t say anything at all. He just stood there and looked at Barrington with those terrible eyes.

Then slowly and deliberately the wolf spoke. Barrington,” he asked in a gentle voice, “why are you sitting in the snow?”

“Because it’s Christmas Eve,” said Barrington, “and I don’t have any family, and bunnies aren’t any good to anyone.”

“Bunnies are, too, good,” said the wolf. “Bunnies can hop, and they are very warm.”

“What good is that?” Barrington sniffed.

“It is very good indeed,” the wolf went on, “because it is a gift that bunnies are given, a free gift with no strings attached. And every gift that is given to anyone is given for a reason. Someday you will see why it is good to hop and to be warm and furry.”

“But it’s Christmas,” moaned Barrington, “and I’m all alone. I don’t have any family at all.”

“Of course you do,” replied the great silver wolf. “All of the animals in the forest are your family.” And then the wolf disappeared. He simply wasn’t there. Barrington had only blinked his eyes, and when he looked — the wolf was gone.

“All of the animals in the forest are my family,” thought Barrington. ” It’t good to be a bunny. Bunnies can hop. That’s a gift.” And then he said it again. “A gift. A free gift.”

On into the night, Barrington worked. First he found the best stick that he could. (And that was difficult because of the snow.) Then hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. To beaver’s house. He left the stick just outside the door. With a note on it that read: “Here is a good stick for your house. It is a gift. A free gift. No strings attached. Signed, a member of your family.”

“It is a good thing that I can hop,” he thought, “because the snow is very deep.” Then Barrington dug and dug. Soon he had gathered together enough dead leaves and grass to make the squirrels’ nest warmer. Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. He laid the grass and leaves just under the large oak tree and attached this message: “A gift. A free gift. From a member of your family.”

It was late when Barrington finally started home. And what make things worse was that he knew a blizzard was beginning. Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. Soon poor Barrington was lost. The wind howled furiously, and it was very, very cold. “It certainly is cold,” he said out loud. “It’s a good thing I’m so furry. But if I don’t find my way home pretty soon, even I might freeze!”

“Squeak. Squeak….”

And then he saw it … a baby field mouse lost in the snow. And the little mouse was crying. “Hello, little mouse,” Barrington called. “Don’t cry. I’ll be right there.” Hippity-hop, and Barrington was beside the tiny mouse.

“I’m lost,” sobbed the little fellow. “I’ll never find my way home, and I know I’m going to freeze.”

“You won’t freeze,” said Barrington. “I’m a bunny, and bunnies are very furry and warm. You stay right where you are, and I’ll cover you up.”

Barrington lay on top of the little mouse and hugged him tight. The tiny fellow felt himself surrounded by warm fur. He cried for a while, but soon, snug and warm, he fell asleep.

Barrington had only two thoughts that long, cold night. First he thought, “It’s good to be a bunny. Bunnies are very furry and warm.” And then, when he felt the heart of the tiny mouse beneath him beating regularly, he thought, “All of the animals in the forest are my family.”

Next morning, the field mice found their little boy, asleep in the snow, warm and snug beneath the furry carcass of a dead bunny. Their relief and excitement were so great that they didn’t even think to question where the bunny had come from.

And as for the beavers and the squirrels, they still wonder which member of their family left the little gifts for them that Christmas Eve.

After the field mice had left, Barrington’s frozen body simply lay in the snow. There was no sound except that of the howling wind. And no one anywhere in the forest noticed the great silver wolf who came to stand beside that brown, lop-eared carcass.

But the wolf did come. And he stood there. Without moving or saying a word. All Christmas Day. Until it was night.

And then he disappeared into the forest.


Also I want someone to read his Rag Tag Army.

”The Rag Tag Army”...

I think God must be very old and very tired. Maybe he used to look splendid and fine in his general’s uniform, but no more. He’s been on the march a long time, you know. And look at his rag-tag little army! All he has for soldiers are you and me. Dumb little army. Listen! The drum beat isn’t even regular. Everyone is out of step. And there! You see? God keeps stopping along the way to pick up one of his tinier soldiers who decided to wander off and play with a frog, or run in a field, or whose foot got tangled in the underbrush. He’ll never get anywhere that way. And yet, the march goes on.

Do you see how the marchers have broken up into little groups? Look at that group up near the front. Now, there’s a snappy outfit. They all look pretty muck alike – at least they’re in step with each other. That’s something! Only they’re not wearing their shoes. They’re carrying them in their hands. Silly little band. They won’t get far before God will have to stop again.

Or how about that other group over there? They’re all holding hands as they march. The only trouble with this is the men on each end of the line. Pretty soon they realize that one of their hands isn’t holding onto anything – one hand is reaching, empty, alone. And so they hold hands with each other, and everybody marches around in circles. And, of course, a bigger circle is deceptive because as we march along it looks like we’re going someplace, but we’re not. And so God must stop again. You see what I mean? He’ll never get anywhere that way!

If God were more sensible he’d take his little army and shape them up. Why, whoever heard of a soldier stopping to romp in a field? It’s ridiculous. But even more absurd is a general who will stop the march of eternity to go and bring him back. But that’s God for you. His is no endless, empty marching. He is going somewhere. His steps are deliberate and purposive. He may be old, and he may be tired. But he knows where he’s going. And he means to take every last one of his tiny soldiers with him. Only there aren’t going to be any forced marches. And, after all, there are frogs and flowers, and thorns and underbrush along the way. And even though our foreheads have been signed with the sign of the cross, we are only human. And most of us are afraid and lonely and would like to hold hands or cry or run away. And we don’t know where we are going, and we can’t seem to trust God – especially when it’s dark out and we can’t see him! And he won’t go on without us. And that’s why it’s taking so long.

Listen! The drum beat isn’t even regular. Everyone is out of step. And there! You see? God keeps stopping along the way to pick up one of his tinier soldiers who decided to wander off and play with a frog, or run in a field, or whose foot got tangled in the underbrush. He’ll never get anywhere that way!

And yet, the march goes on...

My dedication has been to loving as I have been loved and I do a fair job of it. I have really been blessed with so many gifts.

And then, after a simple service I want all the folks, the lovers and the haters to have a wonderful meal. Green Grapes in Lime Jello and Cranberry Shortcake will be on the menu. I think a main course of Chicken Marsala from Cosetta's will be in order. The entire service is to be a celebration of being kids in God's beautiful and diverse world.

My Gratitude List:
• Sobriety - A gift only HP can give when I let him
• HP - My HP does Miracles in the here and now, today is a miracle.
• the program - my daily reprieve and NOT my own doing, very spiritual on an increasing basis these days.
• Christa the Phaeton - my motorized office and companion and definitely me
• my home - beautiful, peaceful, stately, quiet.
• the beautiful North Shore of Lake Superior
• my health - excellent
• travel is great, particularly in the Phaeton.
• Don - a quiet powerful man and a good friend, and really really funny. Really a gift in my life.
• Chris M. - my sponsor and a real inspiring guy.
• Victor - he cares and that is wonderful. He is also a great cook. He calls every day.
• Millie - a most awesome person, energized.
• Damien - Superb actor and a good man and extremely psychic, a lot of blessing in a man. I would love to have him as my son. I am deeply concerned for him now but leave him to God.
• Ross U - what can I say, beautiful, inside and out. Growing and loving
• Ronnie - friend, daughter and a kickass woman, I pray for her health.
• Josef O - fascinating man and working a good program
• Justin P - Makes me mad but he will make it if he keeps the mouth shut and the mind open and is honest.
• Mikey - gifted and insightful, and sometimes a little Puck.
• Ronnie T - an awesome man and a gift to know
• Dustin - powerful, insightful, insane thinker, and a thoughtful man
• Jim - my best friend and a real rock
• Larry - a good guy and Jim's significant other and fun and funny.
• Duane - a superb man and a wonderful friend. An Iphone addict too!
• Beryl Wells - my favorite insane artist and phenomenal woman of the world
• Virginia Howard - One awesome woman
• Aaron - Gifted, my right hand man when he is around and sometimes by phone.
• Harry Waters - Fantastic Director and Drama Coach on the M4D Project
• Dewey Lysen - fantastic on the keyboard, now back in the fold.
• Steven - good friend and nuttier than a fruitcake. I am not sure how he makes it but he does.
• Rob - the man who completed Duane's life
• Bobby M - gentle, caring, sweet man
• Pastor Alika - who breaks open the word like no one else and keeps me working on the connection with Jesus.
• the folks at Kwanzaa Presbyterian - my family with prayers and support
• my mom and dad - gone but here
• Bill - my wonderful brother who goes way beyond in support and care
• Noel - my sister in law who understands
• Eric - my eldest Nephew who is moving his family back here from the east coast.
• Lucinda - the wonderful wife of my Nephew Eric
• Nate - the funny and fun second Nephew
• Jessica - Nate's wonderful wife and a grand woman
• Nick - The Youngest Nephew and a brilliant musician
• Lydia - Eric and Lucinda's little daughter
• Evie - Eric and Lucinda's newest little daughter
• Minnesota - I love this state
• Tara - A great member of Kwanzaa and a super prayer
• Arlene - A wonderful woman of Kwanzaa
• Gerry - Super woman and a woman of God from Kwanzaa
• Tony M - he understands and cares and really is way beyond me in many ways
• Christian - Brilliant, good man
• Kent - Excellent Musician and slowly learning.
• Cassidy - a totally wonderful man, he has been given many gifts
• Timmy - Talented and gifted man, sometimes love is tough, prayin for him
• Ronnie T - smart, funny, a leader
• The Lattin Family, and all the 14 children, owners of Wit's End County Store and Bakery, Beaver Bay, MN - demonstrating the Kingdom to the world
• Steve H - big heart and a big man of sobriety
• Lois Koyama - a woman of God
• Michael and Debbie - Loving the world with Music
• Technology - Makes a lot of things happen as a tool
• Ben Speiser - Super, sweet and very intelligent
• Jason - brilliant and devoted lover of Ben
• Tom Scholla - been with me for a long time
• The Gang of Knitters around the Yarn Garage and StevenBe - creative and challenging
• Brandon Randolph - stunning man, my own secret hero
• Larry Eckhart - funny fun and devoted man
• Bob Moore - gifted artist
• Margo - sweet friend
• Jo - very intelligent and very caring
• Polly - awesome woman
• Bill - the Judge with the mostest
• Dennis Johnston - gifted therapist
• the Fiddle - my drug of choice
• Dan Chouinard - fantastic man of music
• Sima Shumilovsky - sweet old world musician
• Eric - great 12 Step man
• The Meintsmas - committed and loving
• Earl Lindner - rock of a man
• Kevin Jackson - gifted with music
• Christopher Raymond - A Mac Genius
• Chris J - good program man
• Leo - my leader and my conscience
• Hank - my first sponsor who is gone now but still lives in my head.
• Scott - my second gay sponsor, now also gone but in my thoughts
• music - heals me and excites me
• Justin - friend and busy guy
• Eric - friend
• Clem - friend
• Jason L - newly through treatment and a joy
• Christian - friend
• Blaine - friend
• Sasha - friend
• James - friend
• Casey - friend
• Marc J - friend
• Tim K - friend
• Dustin - friend
• Geo - friend
• Joe L - friend
• Ross M - friend
• Joseph S. - friend
• Mario - gifted, loving, caring man
• Joseph Perry - friend and my TM teacher
• Christof - friend
• Michelle - friend
• Max - friend
• Dontray - friend
• Tyler - friend
• Zach - friend
• David and Ricky Peterson - the awesome folks of Jessica

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